The
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Every year when I hear the sound of faint Christmas carols in the distance I roll my eyes and brace myself for the intrusion, knowing that the music is coming from the annual hospital collection vehicle. When the singing becomes loud enough I go upstairs and grab a handful of change kept for just such occasions and await the knock (actually it’s quite a loud and unnecessarily aggressive rap) on my door that lets me know my pennies would be much appreciated. And every year I complain that it’s too early. I grumble because my programme is on and I’m going to miss some of it or that my dinner will get cold if the goodwill visit should happen to coincide with our tea… But to be honest, I like carol singing – even the artificial, mechanical kind. And I like the feel of the cold air on my face as I open the door to whoever is collecting. I like the cheerful greeting I get even if I think Christmas is still too far off for such salutations. Why am I bothering to confess this? Because I missed the van this year. I must have been out when it came to my neighbourhood therefore didn’t get a chance to hand over my meagre offering. I didn’t get to feel the chilled air as the sound of Come All Ye Faithful came wafting into my house. Even though I had previously treated the event as an irritation I felt let down that they had called while I was away. No one was more surprised than me to realise how much a part of my preparations their visit is – missed dinners or not. Oh well, I’ll just have to wait until next year. But it’s just not going to be the same. Not that I begrudge the affirmation. If a person has earned a degree or studied long and hard, so they should be rewarded with a decoration or title. But geez Louise, it’s getting a bit out of hand. No one is satisfied to just do his or her job. It’s as if they only feel validated with an unrecognisable epithet attached to their position. For example: What the heck is a Housing Liaison Officer? Or a vehicle sequencing technician? I suppose it would be too common to be referred to as a counsellor or a parking attendant! In
my opinion it only confuses things when you get all hoity-toity.
No one is ever impressed because you only have to embarrass yourself
when you are forced to explain that a Domestic Liaison Officer is
snob-speak for housewife. You might recall that I have
written about how my entire family usually unites in choosing to
eat out on Christmas day. Well, to be fair, they suffer my less
than adequate culinary skills 364 days out of the year, they're
entitled to a day off. |
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I saw the most comical sight the other
day. Now, to my husband it was just a vacuum cleaner left outside
someone's front door. But because I am prone to bouts of wild imagination
it looked more like a protest to me! |
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I've finally
been served a full cup of coffee - and without having to resort
to hostilities too. So, the
Dome has been sold at the eleventh hour. Who'd have thought there
was another sucker that gullible? It was a close enough shave when I mistook the microwave for a mini dishwasher! |
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Isn’t
it ironic that the political party with the best team of lawyers will
be the one who wins the American presidential election? I mean, we’re
used to such nonsense as pedestrians suing owners of cars for parking
obstructively – causing the careless nitwits to walk into the bumpers
because they overlooked a big fat car in front of them, I presume.
Or an employee taking legal action against the boss for stress and
humiliation because the lunchroom coffee was stale. But when the best
“spin” will be what decides a position as consequential and powerful
as the president of the United States of America, it’s time to worry.
And if you ask me it’s not even as if the people have a decent choice. There’s either Hang em’ high George who’s clocked up more deaths than the James gang or a man with less personality than a speaking clock! Every time I hear Al Gore speak I’m reminded of the announcement I get when I’m put on hold. “Please wait, the office you are trying to reach is aware you are waiting. Your call is important. Please wait the office you are…” Still, all this folly must be filling Bill Clinton with self-satisfying smugness. And who could blame him? Here we were accusing him of shaming the position with his lies, half-truths and faulty zippers. Hey, I wonder if he could be persuaded to stay on a bit while Beevis and Butthead sort out who’s gonna run the country…What’s a Lewinsky between friends? Suddenly that all seems so trivial. Suddenly I’m in need of a lie down. Aren’t there a lot of household gizmos available? All the newspapers and magazines are filled with brochures for battery operated or solar-panelled, rechargeable thing-a-me-bobs I didn’t even know I needed – or existed. I can shave without using water or an electrical outlet– I suppose this is for when I decide to camp out and spruce up. You know, those times when you want to look particularly fetching in nap-sack and matching mountain boots. Or I can illuminate a ten-mile radius with just two AA batteries (not included) with a nifty one-inch torch for the moments when I need extra lighting but don’t want to carry my interrogation lamp around in my handbag. Or, better yet, I can feed the entire family with the handy one-size fits all mini rotary meat defroster and cooker that runs on solar charged batteries. Presumably I should keep this near a window for sunlight…but then I wouldn’t need the contraption to defrost the meat, would I. I could just leave it out in the light… Sheesh! I’ve instructed my daughter to forget what I said about becoming a doctor. If she’s smart she’ll just invest in batteries! This last bit is for the mother-in-law. It’s only right that I publicly thank her for my Brass Throne. After a long running family saga I am touched that she has seen fit to bestow upon me the status of Keeper of the Stool. I promise to cherish it always (or at least until it needs polishing) and pass it on with care when the time comes. It presently rests in the corner of my front room and will only be sat upon by worthy individuals (obviously that means no children). She needn’t worry that she has created a monster. I won’t let such an honour go to my head. I will remain the shy, withdrawn lass she knows so well… Ohh, I wonder if I can get a tiara and sceptre maker to deliver? |
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It is a sad day in our household.
My husband's grandmother has passed away at the ripe ole' age of 91
- she would have been 92 in February 2001.
Instead of the intended quips and comments I was planning for the article I would like to devote my space this week to the memory of a woman who lived a seemingly unremarkable life yet will be missed by so many. Nana wasn't the typical grandmother or great-grandmother. She could be as ornery and feisty as she was entertaining and understanding. And despite having a knitting bag permanently beside her armchair, I never once saw the woman knit. I used to tease that she kept contraband under the wool. And, true to character, she neither denied nor confirmed my suspicions. She could however be relied on to scold me for being spoiled and lazy when it came to household responsibilities - and I was the granddaughter-in-law, at least third down on the list of offending women in our family! For example: Once, early on in my marriage I pulled out all the stops to impress this matriarch of mischief when she had been invited to our humble home for dinner. I laid the table with my new dinnerware and took great care cleaning and preparing so that she could see how equally effective I was at keeping the household… I needn't have bothered. Far from appreciating the trouble, she reduced my ego to peanut size by chastising me for wasting my husband's money on new dishes when the other set was perfectly acceptable! It was just my luck to have married her favourite member of the family! I soon learned that short of curing world hunger and deprivation, (of course, I would only have been able to do this because I had had the good sense to marry her grandson) nothing I did was going to impress this lady. She made me wince with stories (some of which I mentioned recently) about her life as a homemaker during the war years. Never one to "hold her row", as she would say, she was brutal with her opinion of today's waste and frivolity. But she could also be the life and soul of the party. Breaking all the rules with her priceless, if not risqué, sense of humour and the occasional cigarette and sherry. Her card playing abilities are legendary. From the age of twelve she worked hard and knew only good management when it came to money and making ends meet. In later life she survived two husbands- both of them fine and caring gentleman. I'll miss the tough ole gal that I eventually came to know and love so well - despite that I never did achieve complete approval from her even after three children, twenty years of trying and tolerating being married to her perfect grandson. She was a woman who could be relied on to say not just the "right" thing but the "honest" thing. A woman who made me both laugh and cry with tales of her hardships and happiness throughout over 90 years of life. Good-bye Vera Hobbs Smith Hayward (Cis). Her lifetime was spent being all of these women, and more. God bless and rest in peace. P.S. God help them up there if the bed sheets aren't ironed properly! |
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I
had no sooner prided myself on being a woman of today (in last week’s
article) than I was abruptly faced with the sad fact that my nano-second
in the hot seat was over – and before I even had a chance to stock
up on Sanatogen too!
The day began well enough. I was out with my daughter shopping for something pointless and frivolous. I now leave the hubby at home since he hasn’t the least amount of appreciation for such activities. He always complains “Why if you’re looking for a black dress are we in the pyjama section?” And similarly, “Why do you always try on fifteen different shades of lipsticks before purchasing the one you came to buy in the first place?” And, “Yes your backside looks big in that.” That’s my cue that he’s had enough for one day. You should hear what he says when I ask him to wait for me outside the ladies changing rooms! But I digress… There I was, happily out and about when I saw a huge poster advertising a house and garage sale. But because it didn’t appeal to me I dismissed it. After seeing it several more times around the mall though I finally blurted out, “It must be a really big house and garage judging by the amount of posters they’ve put up. My poor daughter was crimson with shame. She did the obligatory eye rolls and head shaking before she clued me in.I t seems the circulars were promoting a rave of some sort with House and Garage music, not a house and garage sale as I had so disgracefully presumed - although I did wonder why a stadium was needed just to sell off domestic goods. I guess it’s just as well then that I didn’t tell her how I’ve always thought Puff Daddy was a character on a cereal box until I saw a picture of the guy on her CD label… I know, she’ll be leaving me at home with the hubby soon. If there’s one thing I really hate it’s perfume samples in a magazine. Especially since you can’t be sure how much of it is the scent or the page itself you smell.I made the mistake of hastily buying a magazine before getting on the train and ended up leaving the publication behind unread when the fragrance steaming from within began to make my eyes water before I even opened it up. I just knew that somewhere amongst the articles on how to be a better something or other and what to do with leftover string was a glossy picture of some half-witted model looking longingly into the lens wearing no more than a bed sheet in the middle of the day (you know this because there’s a window conveniently in the shot and the sun is shining brightly through it), trying to tempt you to smell the way she supposedly does. Is that right? And let me guess, if I rub the pre-scented strip on my skin as instructed I will suddenly look like her as well as smell like her? That’s possibly why the pages are soaked in the stuff. One sniff and you’re inebriated enough to believe such nonsense. I’ve vowed that from now on I’ll just be buying a newspaper. At least that way I can solve the crossword puzzle without the risk of being perfumed against my will. Unless of course some bright spark spoils that by inventing spell and smell! |
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I never intend to eavesdrop.
But even if I was capable of respecting someone's privacy - which,
let's be honest, if I were, I wouldn't be writing this article -
I would've had great difficulty ignoring a couple discussing their
wedding day with a vicar. I was in a hotel lobby awaiting my family's
return from a day in the wilderness and was happy to spend the time
reading a magazine in front of a large fireplace. |
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I heard a young girl trying to
pronounce www.flights.com. as though it were a sentence. Even after
asking her mummy for help she was confused. Poor kid. And I thought
reading was tough when I was her age. |
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How can our government get it
so wrong? How can someone elected by the people, for the people
be so arrogant as to ignore the very voices that granted him his
position? |
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Finally there's
a sight at the dome worth paying money to see! |
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By all accounts I should be as healthy as a horse. In fact, If today’s product advertisement is to be believed, I’ll live to be at least 100! This fact dawned on me the other day as I sat reading the declarations on my cereal box… I’ve replaced my morning newspaper with this innocuous material because I was getting so depressed by the world’s news that I found myself in desperate need of a lay down only moments after getting out of bed. Anyway, according to the box, I ingest added vitamins and minerals with every bowl of Cornflakes. I then noticed that I also get a boost of vitamin fortification from my shampoo. It doesn’t stop there! This is as well as the dose of calcium I get from my toothpaste (which I don’t really need since I loaded up on the daily-required amount in my cereal). And I top off the morning with a body lotion jam-packed with even more E’s, A’s and unheard of necessaries for glowing, healthy skin. By the time lunch rolls around I should be feeling as fit as Rocky. Not to mention, resembling Raquel Welch! So why don’t I? Surely the constant influx of added vitality throughout the day should put a bounce in my every step. And the stuff they pump into my cosmetics either doesn’t work or it takes so long to achieve the desired affect that I’ll only just be starting to reap the benefits in my 90’s. I can see it now, me all supple and radiant twirling my zimmer frame around like a baton- yet actually, by three o’clock, I barely have the energy to drag myself into the kitchen and boil water. Where does all the goodness go? I think it’s time I experiment and boycott the vitamin/health thing and see if I feel any worse. I’m going to make a point of eating only plain, unfortified foods and use toiletries that just clean my teeth, wash the dirt out of my hair, and moisturise my skin. No A’s, E’s or rejuvenating oils. No added stuff that not only stops my skin from chaffing but makes it glisten with youthfulness. Just a funny little aside…I was given shimmering body lotion for Christmas one year and since I don’t frequent places that require me to shimmer, I put the decorative bottle in the downstairs loo for ornamentation only. The problem was that I failed to inform my other half that he shouldn’t use it. Poor man, it took him a week to figure out why he resembled a bronzed statue every time he used the downstairs hand cream… So, by next month I will either be writing from my hospital bed recovering from a severe case of vitamin deficiency, or I’ll be just the same, writing from my office, complaining about not having enough energy to get everything done. I don’t think there’s going to be much of a difference! Perhaps it was long overdue but just recently two articles in my daughter’s teen magazine caught my attention. One was “I killed my baby, I’m sorry.” And the very next one was “Ten ways to bait a guy!” as if the two naturally harmonised. For goodness sake, I thought these things contained instructions on how to dress and wear make-up. I thought they, at worst, gossiped about celebrity nonsense. Or at the very worst, explained what to do in embarrassing situations. No wonder a child’s innocence vanishes at such an early age. I was at least twenty before my reading material contained that type of debauchery. |
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Goodness, I’m glad that’s all over with! Now that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt have finally and uneventfully tied the knot I can get on with the rest of my life. I’m certain you’ve heard of the doting twosome. You know, the latest gazillion dollar Hollywood-couple? The same lovebirds that will be divorced before the bride can wash the exotic confetti out of her gazillion dollar hair-do. Or before the groom has time to complain that the wedding photos were all taken on his bad side? Please! It’s not that I begrudge actors their special day. Or that they don’t deserve to squander their money on something other than nose jobs. But what’s with all the pre-show palaver about wanting privacy and keeping the event intimate when the pompous pair import a ton of brown sugar candles from Thailand for goodness sake. What, not a shop in town sold wax candles? If that isn’t a blatant cry for attention, I don’t know what is. And dare I mention that the exclusivity rights were sold to People magazine- bagging another squillion dollars for the wedding purse by the way - just so the event remained secure? Yeah, that’s why overhead flights were cancelled and an awning the size of Texas was erected, to keep out terrorists! Hell, with brown sugar candles burning in the California heat, threatening attention was the last of their worries. I’ll bet the guests didn’t know whether to swat away the flies with their feet and eat with their hands or visa-versa. I know England has it’s own celebrity over-kill too. I mean, if I see one more “sexy image” photograph of Carol Vorderman and her handkerchief dress I’ll throw-up! That woman is everywhere…if she’s not selling yoghurt she’s flogging health insurance, and all because she can add- what’s that all about? Anyway, as I said, I can sleep at night now that Mr. and Mrs Pitt are happily wedded. I just hope they don’t announce the arrival of any petite Pitts for a while. I don’t think there’s enough ice in Antarctica to sculpt the stork and baby figurines they’ll just have to import so that they can announce the special event in true Hollywood style! Did I read correctly? Is there a shortage of Ely women (in particular, housewives) that want to be fire fighters? I had no idea such an opportunity even existed. Well sign me up. And this is in spite of the fact that my cooking has been known to raise the occasional four-bell alarm. Actually, the fact that I burn more food than I cook is a plus. You know, my children had no idea that toast came in a choice of browns. They thought everyone had to scrape the black off vigorously before buttering it? Anyway, not only do I have experience in dousing cooker fires, I am a dab hand at getting ash and soot out of just about all materials – god knows I’ve had enough experience. So wouldn’t I be just the candidate for this particular profession? Can you see it now…me showing up with mask, hose, helmet and stain removal kit? I could be on to something here. Where do I go to sign up? |
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I often see labels on the backs of lorries and hire vans inviting fellow road users to call 0800-something-or-other should they want to comment on the driver’s proficiency, or in some cases, the lack of it. I guess the objective is to keep the operators on their toes – that or give a habitual complainer something to do while they’re stuck in a traffic jam. And just in case you’re wondering, yes, I am forbidden to call the courtesy number while in the car with my husband. Evidently he still hasn’t forgiven me for the time we were dangerously cut up by a lunatic in a van. You see, I was a passenger and hastily dialled to lodge our complaint while my other half tried to avoid the canal. My furry was so intense that not only did I not consult him before I took action, I persisted even though a cheerful lady answered reciting a number I hadn’t dialled. Of course, only after the incident did I distinguish this. I fumed, raged and swore as I gave the numberplate details along with my opinion of the person responsible. I used every expletive I could think of as I described what had happened. When satisfied that I had made my point I fell silent, waiting for the inevitable apology and assurance that something drastic was going to be done to teach the idiot a lesson. After a short pause a fragile voice did apologise but only to inform me that I must have dialled incorrectly. Unfortunately I had put the fear of god into an elderly woman completely unrelated to the party I was trying to reach. I think the poor soul murmured something else about a heart condition, but I can’t be sure as I abruptly ended the call at that point. I contemplated not telling my husband what I had done. Except that I knew the lady was bound to have dialled 1471 the second I hung up and had probably already alerted the police to a crazed female making crank calls. I couldn’t allow my husband’s phone to be confiscated for misuse so I confessed. He took it pretty well. Although, to this day he still won’t unlock the keypad on the mobile. And as a further punishment I’m forbidden to even so much as finger gesture to offending vehicles. Anyway, aside from my own inadequacies, I think it’s still a great idea to have personnel on hand, prepared to take complaints if you should be dissatisfied with their services. So much so that I think the practice should be extended to all walks of life, not just to drivers. For instance, there’s a real need for one on the backs of some waitresses (you just knew that’s where I was going with this, didn’t you). And, unfortunately, on the backs of a few parents. But the ideal place has got to be on the backs of all politicians! I would like to say thank you to a young girl called Victoria who helped me find the jelly section in Waitrose last Thursday afternoon. After obtaining permission from her mother she walked me to the item while informing me that she would like to be in the upcoming Harry Potter film and has already tried out for a part in the movie. I wish her luck with the venture. But as helpful and dear as she is…she’s already quite a star. |
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I thought I had heard wrong when a voice blasted from my daughter’s radio calling for local people to take part in a “sleeping with the enemy” competition. Certain that I was mistaken, I listened harder. I even stopped performing my morning grooming routine and headed towards the noise to get a better advantage. But to my utter amazement, I had been right. There was actually some deluded DJ asking for volunteers to get into bed with their ex-partners for 96 hours in full view of the public at the Grafton Centre - to what end I couldn’t tell you because at this point my stupefaction meter went off the scales and my jaw dropped to the floor, further comprehension was impossible. Sleeping in public with anyone is undignified enough. But this nonsense beggars belief. In the end I insisted my daughter either turn off the radio or find another station so that I could resume my preening without stabbing myself in the eye with the mascara wand, such was my disbelief. What’s the world coming to when this sort of thing passes for entertainment? More to the point, what does it say about anyone daft enough to take part? Not to mention, the
friends of these morons who helped get them through the painful
break-up in the first place. Hopefully, passing their chum sprawled
out in public with the “enemy” will give them the perfect excuse
to be too busy the next time their sympathies are required. I owe an enormous thank you to a neighbour whose graciousness and hospitality made for a very unexpectedly pleasant afternoon. My friend visiting from America and I were in the middle of ooooh’s and ahhh’s outside an intriguing property we had presumed to be empty when suddenly the owner appeared from out of nowhere and caught us in the act. Fortunately there was only an awkward moment or two of apologies for our obvious intrusion before we two lasses resumed our compliments to the gardener and asked about the restoration work. We had been satisfied to guess at the answers. But since the lady seemed friendly and ten minutes had passed without her attempting to drive us off with a broom, we now felt confident enough to fire our questions at her as though we were on a paid tour. Before long, and far from being intimidated by two over zealous Americans, the woman asked if we would like a look at the inside…. Inside? Inner sanctum? So much for long lost friends and bosom buddies, I practically trampled my houseguest to the floor, eager to take advantage of the lucky break. My enthusiasm wasn’t futile. The place was beautiful and every room restored with traditional consideration. Once fulfilled, we said our goodbyes and strolled off home, contented with the outcome of the adventure. Of course, you know what this
means, though…now that we’ve been let in once, there’ll be no stopping
us. There’s already another house facing Cherry Hill Park in Ely
that we plan on standing outside of until the owners take similar
pity on us. Or, unlike the previous time, they feel compelled to
set the dogs on us! Children of today love luxury too much. They have appalling manners, flout authority and have no respect for their elders. They no longer rise when their teachers enter the room. What kind of awful creatures will they be when they grow up? Ironically this is a translation from the words of Socrates shortly before his death in 399 BC |
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Oh dear, I’m
in the doghouse again! |
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Almost every phone conversation I have with a family member from the States begins with one of them asking how much our petrol costs over here. The answer – inevitably increased since the last call - seems to be a real pick-me-up for them. They then feel obliged to commiserate. So you can only imagine the next long distance conversation when I tell my kith and kin about the one-day pump boycott planned for August 1st. Like me, my family will presume anyone pretending to take part will have discreetly filled up on July 31st. And you can guarantee that the petrol station managers know this and will jack up the price three days before the supposed demonstration to balance out any loss. But what real impact is this day of abstinence supposed to have? What real difference can it possibly make even if it all goes to plan and the entire UK refuses to buy petrol for the determined period of time? None at all except to the staff working at these unmerciful establishments. They’ll be forced to idle away their shift time by reading a magazine or two. Maybe serve the odd customer now and then, someone obviously unaware or uninterested in the important point being made. Perhaps sample a chocolate from the nearest sweet rack while they finish the crossword. You
know, come to think of it, this strike isn’t going to change a damn
thing. There is an unflattering female characteristic that completely puzzles my husband. And although I am not proud of it, I’m aware that I am far from alone in my failing. For example, He and I are at a dinner party, all old acquaintances; everyone’s enjoying themselves. After a little wine, a fine dinner, soft music, some scintillating conversation, we say goodnight and retreat to the car. Yet despite not having given the slightest hint of my displeasure, I begin to insult or complain about at least two of the other women with us at the gathering before we have even approached the first set of traffic lights. I hack the knees off of one for daring to wear that dress with those shoes. And what does she think she looks like with all that make-up on at her age? And then proceed to bitch about the sudden increase in bust size of another. At this point I’m taking it for granted that he agrees with me – or even knows whom I’m describing. When I finally pause for breath my husband’s only response is to incredulously ask how am I capable of being so harsh towards someone I just exchanged carpet-cleaning tips with two minutes earlier. When I asked how he would handle such an affront to maleness, regardless that the guy was able to talk tools with him he shrugged and said, “Avoid the bloke if you don’t like him.” Well, if you’re going to get all sensible about it… |
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Is there another national pastime as troubled as football? Is there another crowd gathering event that warrants the amount of policing and vigilance as football? Is there a single person left in Great Britain who still feels it’s safe to take their youngsters to a football match? The answer to all the above has to be no! Because if there was another sporting event, pastime or gathering that caused even a fraction of the distress, death and hardship as football it would have been long since eliminated, regardless of the cost to the organizers, sponsors or patrons. Yet, here we are once again, the scourges of the sporting world, hanging our heads in shame due to the behavior of a few hundred thugs from our country, with nothing more than ineffectual postulations and sound bites as deterrents. But when scenes such as last weeks are viewed around the world, and good-for-nothing drunks are allowed to be interviewed on TV defending their intoxicated behavior during Euro 2000 as “Just good football fever, a right to cheer on their team”, it’s well past time hard, decisive action was taken. And someone should tell these supposedly flag-waving nitwits that they cause the very team they pretend to support more embarrassment than any loss of competition ever could. Anyone with half a brain knows that throwing lawn chairs and beer bottles before or after a game hardly incites victory. Such conduct is puerile, not patriotic. As for morale boosting, name one player who’s felt motivated by the riots. So why are the authorities dragging their feet and passing the buck instead of coming up with a real solution to the problem? Or has the death toll and number of people seriously injured not reached its quota yet? And on a lesser scale, dare anyone calculate the cost to property and belongings, here or on foreign soil? No, there has to be a good reason why the government hasn’t banned the sport. And it can’t be because it penalizes innocent patrons. Or that only a few ignorant impostors are pretending to be supporters therefore shouldn’t be allowed to ruin it for the many law-abiding participants. Hell, they’ve not had trouble enforcing that concept before, so why now? And perhaps, instead of wasting time and money protecting the wily fox, the pink winged gnat or the long tailed dragon fly from abusive humans, our government should strengthen its backbone and supervise the welfare of a far more important species… humans endangered by abusive humans! |
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I fear the campaign to deter smokers by enlarging the printed caution and warning on cigarette packets will be a waste of time. Especially since billboards have been advising of the perils for some time now – the largest public notice available – and that’s barely made a dent in the number of new smokers choosing to addict themselves to the nasty habit each year! I also read that the government is considering exploiting a picture of the yellowed, stained teeth of a heavy smoker, as another way of scaring off would be puffers. All well and good but I can think of a more effective approach than that. And it’s more terrorizing than rotten teeth, blackened lungs or certain death. They should show the effects cigarettes have on the aging process. Photograph two women of the same age side by side, one a smoker the other not, and plaster their images everywhere. No one will be able to ignore the unbelievable contrast. How ridiculous is it that women spend millions of pounds a year on youth enhancing creams and surgical treatments and then light up a fag (poison to youthfulness) either while they wait for their pampering or as soon as the bandages are off? If
the government wants to discourage self-inflicted cancer it should
aim for the obvious target, where it will have the greatest impact.
Not in the pockets or consciences of the public…right in the ego! I read with interest the letter defending bus drivers and their commendable attention to duty in last week’s Ely Standard. But as difficult as it might be to ferry people to and from their chosen destinations, I sympathies more with passengers who are at the mercy of other drivers not so smitten with the job they do. One in particular… When my daughter and a friend took the bus from Mepal to Ely they were chastised and ridiculed by the driver for attempting to pay the fare with change. He actually turned to the already seated travelers and mockingly announced that they might be late due to the inconvenience. Poor man, can he not count up to £ 3.45 using modern coinage? Or is he only used to dealing with twenty-pound notes? When the girls returned and told me of the reprimand they received I was incensed. What else would two fifteen year olds pay with? What was he expecting, Master Charge or Visa? Dedicated bus drivers there may be. But if the one in question didn’t want to count change as part of his duties perhaps he should have looked elsewhere for employment. And if he doesn’t want to be made extremely late one fine day not too far in the future, he should think long and hard about giving his young fare-paying customers a hard time. If he thinks counting out £3.45 in twenty, fifty and ten pence pieces is time-consuming; he’s really going to hate counting out a handful of coppers from a crankier, older customer demanding to be taken to Newmarket and back! |
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The government’s questionnaire hoping to find out what the public wants from the NHS has got to be their biggest boob yet. What, none of the organizers of this latest smoke screen thought it might be more effective, not to mention, more convincing, to actually study a patient’s case? Or, better still, how about donning a white coat and stethoscope for a weekend following a doctor around, pretending you’re up to your elbows in cutbacks and shortages instead of fat cat lunches and expensive resorts? I find it hard to believe that with all their resources this government doesn’t already know the answers. I find it even harder to believe they think we’re dumb enough to expect an improvement once we’ve filled in the blanks and sent back our opinions. This sort of thing reminds me of my Catholic upbringing. As a child I could never understand why no one thought it strange we had a church leader who abstained from the game, yet felt qualified to dictate the rules. It never made sense that a priest could counsel couples on topics he had no experience of. I guess like the Pope, Tony Blair considers himself qualified to rule a contest he doesn’t take part in. Or am I mistaken and the Blair baby was born in a hospital at risk of closure due to shortages and looked after by exhausted, overworked staff? I knew I detested the Dome. Any money wasted on its existence always makes me seethe. But my loathing reached new heights when I read that the Dunkirk veterans were refused money from the lottery fund for their anniversary travels after another £ 29 million pounds from the same financiers was squandered on the Dome. How can a hut with a bad reputation outrank soldiers who fought for the welfare of this country? I have never been to the blasted thing and never will. But I hope for the sake of all servicemen that the organizers haven’t added insult to injury and boast a war memorial, complete with a statue of Winston Churchill, as one of the attractions. The man’s probably turning in his grave as it is. I received a neighborhood watch booklet the other day. It was full of helpful tips on how to keep your household safe and what to look out for as a neighbour. It also had a nifty set of bright yellow and black stickers for the door. One warned off unwanted salesmen, the other was a checklist of things to do before answering to a stranger and one for the letterbox instructing the paper boy/girl to push newspapers the entire way through, not to leave them hanging half in, half out. But what I really need is a sticker warning that a Rottweiler lives on the premises. My husband thought I was being unkind to myself when I suggested this to him. He thought I was more like a terrier…or was that terror? Is there anything more romantic than a husband birthday shopping for his wife? Well, if he refers to her as his “old lady” while grumbling about having to get her something, there is. I stood behind a gentleman (that’s stretching the description a bit) while he moaned to a queuing companion that he had been sent out to get his old lady something for her birthday. And that he had no idea what to get his old lady. Especially since he had no idea what size his old lady was… It took every ounce of self-control I had not to butt in and offer my suggestion that he might want to start by offering to drop the term old lady. Not to mention, he might want to think a bit before broadcasting to all and sundry that he obviously cares less about his wife’s feelings than he does about venting his frustrations. I mean, far be it from me to judge a marriage by one half of the union, but this guy was actually in a strop because his wife had managed to live for another year and dared to expect him to celebrate the fact. Wouldn’t you have just loved to see the birthday card he picked out? I made a point of catching sight of the item he was waving about and so begrudgingly waiting to purchase. All I can say is he may well get what he hopes for. After opening the gift his wife will probably decide not to burden him with another year of her presence. Forget the card, I would have loved to see her face when she unwrapped a ladies shaver and two extra blades. Why are two separate phone books published when both books contain all telephone number in our area, just printed in different colours? When my volumes are delivered I dutifully place the White Pages on the telephone table and toss the other in the bin straightaway. I could never find anything in the yellow pages anyway. Once I even tried to locate a company that I knew had been trading for over thirty years just to prove to myself that I could use the damn book. I was confident because I knew how to spell it, I knew the address of it and knew it was in there somewhere. But to no avail. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find the listing. I even resorted to concentrating on the illustrations just in case I had overlooked the small print. Eventually I gave up and decided to thumb through the White pages. And, once I remembered that I should be looking under St. not Sa for Saint, found what I was looking for. I don’t mind two books if there’s a good reason for separating the information. Like what about one for e-mail listings and one for telephone numbers? It can be printed in crimson for all I care, just as long as I can understand it! |
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I have never
participated in a public demonstration. Nor have I ever felt so
immersed in a cause that I risked imprisonment in order to promote
it. Not that I’m incapable of compassion, it’s just that I’ve always
been more of a coward than a warrior. Unless of course I come across
a particularly snotty waitress… But not that long ago I became unintentionally trapped amongst protesters
as they chanted their rhetoric and ideology. It was my own fault.
I should have waited for the throng to pass before I tried to cross
the street. But I was impatient and wanted to get to my destination
before the shop closed, or nightfall, whichever came first. I tried to disentangle myself from the crowd once I realized my mistake
but was pulled along with the march regardless. Before I knew it, I was up to my hairdo in waving placards and abusive
complaints being hurled at passersby who didn’t agree with the cause.
(A sign, if ever I saw one, that you’re not having the hoped for
effect). It didn’t matter how ill tempered I became to escape. The rabble just
assumed my struggle was in aid of their goal and appreciated my
energy, completely unaware they had a frightened dissenter amongst them. And judging by the look on the surrounding faces, I was right to be afraid. We radicals risked being pelted with something nasty by the audience, not congratulated for our empathy due to the inconvenience we were causing them. When I finally broke free (several hundred feet from where I had intended)
I dusted myself off and took a quick assessment of my extremities
before loudly venting my animosity and taking my rightful place
amongst the intolerant bystanders. But what kept me awake that night wasn’t the near death experience of
being mistaken for a screaming zealot. It was the ‘what ifs’. Like, what if the multitude of TV cameras present had focused on me as
I attempted to elbow my way out? How would I ever explain to family
and friends my involvement in a cause this forceful when I’ve never
waved anything more threatening than a till receipt before? Or what if I had assaulted the lady to my left who kept a death grip on
my arm as she pledged her life, and mine, to the brawl? Honestly,
had she not let go when she did, there would have been an unruly
affray for a completely different reason! But most important, no matter how emphatically I pleaded, once arrested,
no policeman worth his badge would have let me off believing that
I was innocently on my way to collect a bottle of strawberry and
banana shampoo from Boots when all hell broke out. To be fair, they must hear that old excuse all the time.
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You might recall that
I mentioned Internet grocery shopping in a previous article and how
great I thought shopping in pyjamas and curlers was going to be. I
was right; and it's more than great. But it has also created an unforeseen
dilemma.
I had no idea I was so unacquainted with the products I use every day. I couldn't have imagined the trouble just getting things in the right size was going to be. For instance, without looking, can you say what weight the tub of butter you buy is? Or do you know what brand of coffee you get for the coffee maker without getting the packet out? I certainly couldn't. I have used the service three times now and have odd proportions and unheard of brands cluttering up the kitchen to prove it. I won't even repeat the comment my family has made about the scented bath soaps. There's an enormous tub of butter taking up half the refrigerator, two small packets of sliced and cooked ham that isn't enough to make one sandwich and a brand of coffee supposedly made in a country I've never heard of - according to my husband though the brand I chose does rhyme with the brand we usually get so I wasn't so off the mark there. I just know the people at Tesco's are having a laugh every time they deliver to my humble home. I can see them splitting their sides at the catering size tuna I ordered and yet figured the minuscule amount of washing up liquid in a disposable pouch would suffice a family of five for a week. I bet they can't wait for my Christmas order. We'll be eating turkey for months and having to ration the box of four mini mince pies intended for a party of twelve. I can't for the life of me understand all the fuss being made over the use of mobile phones and its possible health risk to children. Cancer causing cigarettes and unprotected sex is legally permitted at 16. Young adults barley old enough to choose a profession can vote in or out a government. A driver's license is granted at 17. And drinking (an equally perilous pastime) is considered doable at the ripe old age of 18. And there's worry that the young of this country might be causing themselves unknown damage by using a mobile phone? At least while they're out driving, cohabiting or drinking they can phone home and let us know they're still alive! But more to the point, if we've learned anything from juvenile behaviour at all it's that if you want to stop kids from harming themselves, don't strap a government warning to the product telling them of the probable harm it will do them, tell them that they have to use it. Make it compulsory. That's more of a deterrent than the frightful skull and crossbones! |
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Unfortunately unisex loos are being considered for the work place. And all because a few people thought the idea provided laughs and giggles for the cast of an American television program, so reckoned they’d be a big hit in real life. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, social psychology lecturers agree that combined washrooms could be a good idea. They say having communal facilities can bring work mates closer together. That the benefits of seeing each other as equals instead of separate entities can make for a better working environment…Yeah, but in the toilet? Couldn’t a person just realize the guy across from them is a decent human being because he’s polite, efficient and conscientious? Surely bonding in the bathroom can only lead to trouble. And what’s next, topless Fridays to build better team spirit. Or speedo Wednesdays to raise creativity? I know some offices already have a single facility shared by all due to lack of space. But they’re mostly one at a time accommodations. Not the multi-chambered extravaganzas you see on Ally McBeal. But more importantly, marriages have dissolved when wives got fed up with their husbands repeatedly leaving wet towels on the floor or the seat up…do men really want to risk being sacked for the offenses too? And
can you just imagine the poor guy who has to explain to his wife
for the umpteenth time why he smells of another woman’s perfume?
The fact that he stood a little too close as his colleague surrounded
herself in a fog of expensive scent while touching up in front of
the mirror will only satisfy just so many times. Even though I am long overdue to complain about second-rate food or snotty service, I must pay my compliments to the White Horse Inn at Witcham and delay my inevitable fault finding for another time. I was sure the evening had got off to a bad start when the proprietors of the pub told us they were short staffed and we might have to wait for our order. Ordinarily the minute my husband hears of such a deficiency he races us back to the car before I even get a look at the napkins. He’s never forgiven me for the time I was banned over some altercation with a shortsighted waitress. What’s the statute of limitation on how long a food incident can be held against you anyway? I mean, really, the man has the memory of an elephant. Nevertheless, we were hungry and the place was only a stone throw from the house so we decided to take a chance. Of course, not before I was threatened with being bound and gagged if I didn’t behave myself. But my husband needn’t have worried. The hostess was the nicest lady. And the food was exceptionally good. Had we not been told of the staffing problem we would never have guessed. And what’s more, it’s nice to finally find somewhere where my husband actually admits to being with me. |
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Artistic
symbolism is completely wasted on me. I even have trouble with the
male/female silhouettes on public toilet doors. It's amazing how girlie one can get when an old school chum calls. I haven't heard from Laura in years but in a matter of seconds we were reduced to tears of laughter with our 'remember when's' and embarrassing stories long since forgotten as if it had only been yesterday since we last spoke. For just a little while I was catapulted back to the days when I had nothing better to do than worry about hair-do's and fashion don'ts. We'll be staying in touch through the Internet now. And since I lied about being exactly the same size as the last time we were together and every bit as youthful, I can enjoy hearing about all the other school gals who have fared less well. I'll just have to make sure I'm busy for the next reunion! |
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Why
do we need to have the same frustrating quarrel every time we purchase
an electrical appliance?
I needed to replace our much-abused coffee maker, but while browsing in the shop I noticed matching toasters on offer. I don't usually fall for such colour-coordinated hooey, but the kids had been complaining that they were frightened by flames leaping at them when the toast was ejected from the old one, so I took advantage of the sale and indulged the family (although, I now have to find another way of testing the downstairs smoke alarms) Anyway, as I approached the counter with my chosen items I silently began to count how long it was going to take a shop assistant tagged 'Carol' to ask me if I would like their extended insurance coverage on the appliances. I didn't have to count long. All of three seconds into the transaction she began her well-rehearsed speech. And continued with the patter even though I showed no sign of interest. She warned, cautioned and advised me to the best of her ability that, as well as the free two-year guarantee, I might need to cover the machines for a further five years in the event of malfunction or costly repair bills. She finished by telling me the price of such additional protection would only be a modest ten pounds. Now, aside from the fact that the accessories don't require a home-secured loan, I have never owned an electrical gizmo yet that functioned for longer than a year (this probably has something to do with not using the thing as the manufacturers suggest, like the time we combined all the left over emulsion into the food blender and ended up with beige frappe on the walls). But to get back to the point, what sort of salesmanship are these people being taught? How can they not see the irony of discussing possible flaws and failures before the item has seen the light of day? How is the customer supposed to have faith in the workmanship when they are alerted to the eventuality of a breakdown before they've even plugged it in? But what really aggravates me is the treatment I get when I decline the additional coverage. You'd think I was refusing a blood transfusion. And Carol was no different. Once I had convinced her that I was willing to brave the future without the store's sanctuary, she huffily slapped the rest of my details into the computer and handed me the receipt without another word. Instead of being testy, the Carol's of this world should be grateful for my audacity. If I'm paying extra for warranties, they're likely to find a rather haggard looking appliance awaiting them one fine morning due to an unforeseeable problem - Like marmalade gumming up the works of sandwich maker or pizza dough cementing the waffle iron shut. |
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This
has to be why some women continue to wear Lycra even after gravity
has taken its toll. Or who refuse to give up the leather even though
it causes a hazardous friction with their nylon tuck-and-hide panty
girdle.
I know it’s predominately women these invitations to lose pounds are aimed at and, god forbid, I should take offense at the unfairness of it… but some signs are just a little too obvious. One simply asks “Are your thighs ready for summer? If not call this number now.” It’s doesn’t come right out and say ladies but what man cares about his thighs? How would men feel about a non-specific sign asking “Is your gut ready to be exposed?” That might wipe the smirk off their faces. I had the nicest time at Strikes Bowling Alley in Ely last week even though I didn’t partake of the sport. I have nothing against it. It’s just that I seem to spend more effort trying to stay upright than I do hitting the pins. So it’s always been wiser (and safer for spectators) for me to be the scorekeeper. And
since that’s now done electronically I took the opportunity to do
a little people watching while my nearest and dearest hurled their
hearts out.# I’d
happily spend another leisurely evening there. Although, I must
admit, I have an overwhelming urge to be wearing a shirt with my
name printed on the pocket for my next visit. |
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I'll
never forget my English teacher asking us to write a short essay on
whether we thought it would be better to inspire or provoke people
with our writing. |
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Why
is parking in Ely causing such problems? I know I shouldn't poke fun. And really, I don't mean to offend. It's just that the articles about a purse-snatcher in Ely caused me to consider what would happen should I ever be in such a predicament.
I'm sure the mishap was less than pleasant for the woman whose belongings
were taken. But I carry so much garbage around in my handbag that
I actually pity the lout who attempts to wrench it away from me. |
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I haven’t actually
cleared this with the National Toilet Association (there is literally
such a group) but I feel fairly confident that my opinion, although
blunt, will be shared by enough readers to risk a mention. The politically correct
add-on of the word challenged to maintain integrity was bad enough. You know, referring
to someone as vertically challenged
instead of short. Or saying a person is intellectually challenged when it’s obvious they’re half-witted. And then there’s
the equally idiotic monetarily challenged
to spare being labeled broke. Like affecting a catchword makes going
without food more bearable! My personal favorite is martially challenged. Although, to be fair, that is a much nicer way of saying
you’re too ugly to get a date. But now there’s the utterly ridiculous attachment management taking over. For example, a parent should refer to the
task of getting their offspring out of nappies as potty management, not potty training because it leaves the infant with self-doubt
and insecurities to use such a solemn word. A child should be allowed
to manage the event. Perhaps I shouldn’t confess such abuse in case the potty patrol are reading this, but not only did I use the “T” word while forcing my little darlings to give up overpriced diapers, I made them wash their hands as well! So, what are they saying, Jack the ripper would have been a sweetie had
his mother let him participate more in his one’sies and two’sies?
I think not. Come on, we can’t be that lazy. We can’t allow some fame-seeking nitwit
to do the job for us by writing a book pretending they know your children
and household better than you do.
And if diligent toilet training has scarred my brood then whatever has
insisting they say please and thank you done? Or worse yet, I actually
made them clean their bedrooms. Kids don’t need whimsical buzzwords, they need honesty. We should be more
concerned with teaching them to recognize a fraud. And we’re only
likely to do that when we’ve managed
to challenge one!
Until now I haven’t written one belittling word about the recent
Ely Railway Bridge collisions. But the motorist who blamed the position of the bridge and not his driving
for the crash (and who deserved a separate penalty for such chutzpa)
prompted me to come out of my self-imposed silence. If I didn’t know better I would have sworn he was American with such an
attitude. It reminded me of the burglar in Texas who sued the homeowner
he was robbing for injuries sustained after he jumped from a second
floor window, unaware how far down it was to the ground, the pillock!
Unbelievably, the thief won his case. Which brings me to the point. It’s only a matter of time before someone tries something similar here. Claiming that the bridge is at fault for being too solid or too immovable. That they would have avoided the crash all together had the span just been a little more giving. |
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Does the incident where a couple was arrested for alleged
sheet smuggling alarm anyone else?
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I have only just recently been for a gander at the much-lauded
Cloisters Centre in Ely. And I wish I hadn't bothered. What is it about becoming a celebrity that make them dress
like bums? Every magazine I look though has picture after picture
of the latest sit-com or soap star dressed in beggar's hand-me-downs.
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It’s the same old Yankee story, if a thing’s worth attention at all, it’s
worth blatant milking, regardless that humanity is at stake. Can anyone forget the sham of the O.J. Simpson trial or the circus created
around the Louise Woodward case, all because the public was allowed
a soapbox? Unfortunately I fear this present absurdity will have even worse consequences.
The child’s mother drowned while trying to illegally smuggle herself and
her son into the country. And you can be fairly certain that had the
offspring of the dead woman been 16 instead of a malleable toddler,
the show would have ended there. Instead of being given the well meaning,
albeit deluded, asylum he would have been sent back to his native
land before being allowed to dry off. But since he’s a dear little soul with potential for dressing up and showing
off, not to mention, taught a few valuable Americanisms while he’s
visiting, the opportunity for exploitation was too good to pass up.
I personally don’t care whether he stays or goes. Whether he lives the
rest of his life comfortably on money sent by big-hearted viewers
or learns to play baseball, turns professional and advertises ADIDAS;
it’s of absolutely no importance to me. But why the costly confiscation
at all? The child has family in Cuba who want him returned and who are currently
locked in a battle to do just that. Yet, in the meantime the kid is
being paraded around like a celebrity, wearing clothing and sporting
toys even the Trump offspring would be proud of. Hell, treat me as
though every day was Christmas and you could get me to immigrating
to Timbuktu. But what happens when, the courts having finally come to their senses,
the media lights go out and the families are reunited in Cuba where
they belong? A parent knows only too well what their kids are like when they’ve spent
just a weekend at the grandparents, having been completely indulged
for only forty-eight hours. I know it was the closest to being put
up for adoption mine ever got. But if the do-gooders really cared wouldn’t they be concerned about the
effects all this attention is going to have? Or how the boy will be
entertained from one day to the next when he is made to live the life
of an ordinary, humble child? It’s unimaginable how he’ll cope when
toys and expensive clothing don’t just appear with his every whim
as if from Santa. When will they ever learn that their misguided interference only creates
a worse tragedy than the one they came to gawk at? My husband will be pleased. I can finally put away the
exercise equipment and retire my leotard - I’ve always suspected this. It never made sense that athletes burned out
at such young ages. If sports are supposed to be so good for you why
do most players retire before they are thirty? Why do we have athletes
spending more time in physiotherapy than on the field? I won’t even
mention the million pound prima donnas currently sitting out football
games because of a sprained hairdo. Or the amount of athletes who
travel with vast teams of medical specialists just in case they should,
god forbid, burst a blood vessel. As I said, this finding won’t change my routine in the least. I’ve never
even come close to having a healthy, compact physique. It’s just that
now when I reach for the cream cakes I have a clear conscience. Instead
of fretting, I can indulge myself that the sugar and fat, not to mention
the lactose, emulsifiers and E additives, are actually good for our
old age. Mine because I eat a lot of cream cakes and my husband’s because he can
now walk through the house without tripping over the rowing machine.
So why the delay in processing our money? I suspect it’s because banks like to make the customer squirm. And they know you can’t complain about it because the guardian of your dosh behind the glass partition has enough dope on you to satisfy an extortionist. |
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I am certain there are many others who found themselves spending money hand over fist lately. What with Christmas, The Millenium and back to back Bank Holidays, one could be forgiven for having blown nearly a year’s budget on pretzels, nibbles and beer just for the guests. But I wonder if anyone else minds the abusive way in which shop owners or checkout attendants receive our hard-earned cash. I know it’s been a while since I’ve had the pleasure of spending but I was unprepared for the unfavorable, nay disrespectful, treatment our currency endures. First your proffered note is rubbed harshly into a scrap piece of paper, wiping off a portion of its revered images. Then it’s ripped so that the innards are visible. And, last but by no means least, the now shredded money is held aloft, supposedly in search of some tell-tale sign of forgery that might have escaped the previous dissection, before it is allowed into the drawer with all the other successful victims. One of the worst examples of this was when my daughter attempted to pay for a purchase. We watched in horror as the young lass behind the till transformed into the “cash patrol” and immediately began her inspection. I half expected her to take a bite out of the twenty-pound note as part of the procedure. When no fault was found she returned to her good-natured self, overlooking that we resembled Bonnie and Clyde two seconds earlier, and wished us a cheery-bye as she handed us the bagged item. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m insulted by the prejudice we cash paying punters get. Several customers ahead in the queue paid by credit card and not one of them had their choice of payment sliced, diced or mutilated before it was swiped through the magic machine. And credit card fraud is a lucrative business. Similarly, the young man standing to our left paid by check and only had to produce a measly bankcard before his particulars were shoved into the substitute for advertisement (shop bag). Not the slightest hint of suspicion that he might have stolen the documents and was attempting to furnish his flat with the proceeds. Why such focus on the cash paying public? Why are we singled out as though anything other than a coin might have “made in Taiwan” printed somewhere obscurely on it? I understand the need for caution, but shouldn’t it be evenhanded? Shouldn’t all forms of payment be subjected to the same rigors? And no wonder our currency has such a short shelf life. Two rounds with a checkout girl and it’s confetti. |
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Well, glad that’s
over with. The tree has been stripped and deported back to the loft.
And the decorations are once more in their boxes, waiting for next year.
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